When we found out that our precious little boy was affected by ABS, we weren't really sure what it meant. Moments later after the doctor paused to explain we learned that it was something that we would never forget. Cayden is our second child, after a healthy daughter who is almost six years old now. So much planning and getting ready for this pregnancy. He was so wanted by my husband and I. We could hardly wait to have this new addition to our little family. But the plan laid out for our little angel boy was not what we had in mind.

I had gone into the doctor for a routine blood test or what they called a quad-scan. Never anticipating what would unfold in the days to follow. During my visit to the doctor that day we had found out that we were having a little boy. Needless to say we were delighted to now have one of each. The exam was going fine up until the point that the doctor went to check the heartbeat. She found it just like every other time before but was getting a little bit of an irregular heart beat. After the sonogram we chalked it up to the baby pulling or squeezing on the umbilical cord. Nothing to be concerned about really. The next day, late in the day when I was leaving work my doctor herself called me. She asked if I was driving and were I was. I told her I was at work sitting in my office, but obviously her call had scared me. She then told me that the blood results had come back from the quad-scan. One of the levels was off and she wanted me to go up to the hospital the next day to have a level two sonogram done. She then told me she was going to call my husband to explain what was going on. I was in shock and thought that no matter what was wrong we could work through this. Technology is wonderful and they can do so much, right?

Nervous and anxious my husband and I went to the hospital for the sonogram to see what kind of problems we were looking at. In particular the results indicated neural tube defects of some sort. We waited for the doctor to come in and start and once she did we knew right away that something was very wrong. She stopped what she was doing and told us that our baby had acrania with a facial cleft that was severe. These were just a few of the problems that had been caused by the amniotic bands. Somehow, early in my pregnancy Cayden had swallowed one or more of these bands causing portions of the skeletal structure not to form correctly. Mainly his skull and chest - displacing his little heart. I remember my husband saying that we needed a second opinion. We both didn't think this was possible. She sent us to another hospital where we met with three more doctors all specializing in sonograms and in particular possible genetic issues. They all took a look, a long look. They then sat down with us and explained exactly how bad of a situation we had.

We were told that the outcome was fatal. There was no survival rate for Cayden. They told us that he was struggling as it was and that our options were to induce labor and go ahead and deliver him or wait until he passed on his own and go into natural labor. They told us if he was to make it to term, which was unlikely he would only live minutes to hours. I felt like we had been hit with a ton of bricks. I sobbed and Erik held me. We both laid in our room that night crying. How, Why, Could this all be really happening to us? After several days of meetings with doctors, friends, family and church we had made our decision. We decided to let the pregnancy continue and that we would let God make the choice to take Cayden when he was ready. Everyday was a challenge for me. Each time he moved, kicked or I had to get up to go use the restroom I thought about what was going on with this little life inside of me. I now cherish every single kick and movement that I felt from him. They were like his kisses to me. Letting me know that he was there and still was our little boy.

You never know how fragile life its. How precious each moment can be until its taken away. January 24, 2005 I cave birth to Cayden at 20 weeks. His little body so perfect in my mind. Even the obvious problems that he had, he was still perfect. He was my baby no matter what. He had passed two days prior we found out when I had gone in for a follow up doctors appointment. My husband and I were given time alone with him to hold him, kiss him and tell him how loved and wanted he was. I didn't want to give him back to the nurse but knew that I had to eventually. That was such a hard moment for us. I felt like a huge piece of me was taken the moment he left our hospital room. I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible. The next morning I asked to be released to go home. They made me ride in a wheelchair until I was out of the hospital. Going by all of the rooms of mother's who had given birth to their healthy babies, flowers and balloons hanging off their doors. I cried the whole way out of the hospital, other mothers get to carry their little babies out with them. Instead, I got to carry a memory box that they gave me. At the time I wasn't happy about the box of things they gave me. But now I look at all the things in that box everyday. His little blanket and shirt, hospital bracelets, footprints, poems and booklets. These are the only tangible things I have of him.

We had Cayden's funeral on Friday January 28, 2005. We had are immediate family and friends there to say goodbye. Our daughter made a card to him to place in his casket along with a photo me, my husband and our daughter. She wanted to badly to see him, but we let her know that even though she couldn't see him that he was in heaven looking down on us all and keeping watch. Hard things to have to explain to a six year old. Its just to much for them to really understand. The funeral was really nice and gave me another chance to see him and say goodbye.

The pain is still so fresh, I think about him every hour of the day. Sleeping comes on occasion but usually never for long. Everyone says time will heal. I will try hard to find peace in knowing he is above and that hopefully someday the tears won't be so constant. Cayden will always be our second child, the little boy we only got to know for a short time but who was loved and thought of by so many of our family and friends.

Always, Carrie & Erik Mateer (Cayden Elliott Mateer's Parents)